I have started and restarted this blog post several times that I am just going to dive right into it.. I sincerely apologize if it is all over the place, a lot has happened… or not happened, over the last month and a half.
I have missed this blog and everyone so much! I wanted to start off by saying that while I have not been blogging, I have been reading other people’s book reviews, beauty posts, and overall life updates. Thank you to those who reached out to say nice things, and just to check up on where I have been lol!
I have been so silent the last few weeks and I wish I could say it’s because I was so deep into editing my book, or that life has been keeping me oh so wonderfully busy, but the reality is… I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety and overall my mental health has suffered.
I initially started this blog as a kind of escape. For me to discuss and connect with others about the things I absolutely adore. Like fantasy books, and makeup, and writing. I really wanted it to be a place to go to to get away from real life things. To discover new stories and products. To be creative and inspired.
Honestly, I was just going to jump back into posting my May TBR or even a book review, but it felt off. To be gone for a while due to having mental health issues, and then to come back so abruptly did not make sense. Then my husband suggested I just be honest and explain what I’ve been going through. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation but I feel that I need to give one.
If you deal with mental health issues, you know sometimes it’s hard to find motivation or even the energy to get out of that mindset. It’s like you know what you should be doing, you know what the next steps should be, but you just can’t move. You can’t find it in yourself to get up and find that happiness or that peace you desperately want. It then gets easier and easier to sink into that feeling of depression, of feeling like you’re unfulfilled with your job, or life, or yourself. My life really felt like it was on autopilot. I was going through the motions, but my brain was not there. I wasn’t feeling the best in my job, it was not where I truly saw myself. I had been struggling to deal with the lockdown, and having a hard time finding a home to finally settle down in. I was worried all the time, and nervous, and wondering about all the what ifs without actually doing anything about it.
Anxiety and depression suck!!!!
I haven’t touched a book since mid February. I haven’t written a single thing, not even a blog post, although I had many already written just needing to be publish. I haven’t edited my book which is now sitting untouched for over 7 months. I honestly even began doubting if I was a writer. I feel this weird imposter syndrome.
It all got too much to the point where I was crying myself to sleep some nights, worrying my family, and even found myself sleeping so much more than I ever thought I could or laying on the couch for hours with the same show on repeat in the background not moving from my spot once.
I just want to say to anyone feeling like this. You are not alone. I know what that horrible feeling is like, and I’ve come to learn that the only way to get through it is to really push yourself to get through it.
I finally finally took baby steps to get out of that mindset. It started with taking a walk, forcing myself to go see the sunset, then turned into doing my skincare routine, putting on a movie that makes me smile, then it turned into planning out a couple of posts for this blog, then into finally opening my manuscript up. Soon, things slowly started to feel better. I had to really push myself, when I didn’t want to. It was only then I was able to actually appreciate the little things and life somehow started to follow.
I found myself daydreaming about my story again. I found myself wanting to do other things than just sleep and feel sorry for myself.
My husband and I also finally found our home! We have been getting some worked done on it, but a move in date is coming soon enough, and it’ll be such a nice big change that we have been looking forward to for some time now. It was a long time coming, but even the idea of thinking about packing has me all excited and jittery.
A little photo dump as to what I have been up to in trying to get back into the swing of things!
I cracked open my manuscript as I mentioned… and well… I have officially started editing. The idea that the book is one step closer to publication or even self publication is making my heart pound. It’s those feelings we have to hold on to, especially when it has to do with our dreams and hopes.
I am glad for these changes and it doesn’t even matter that these things are slowly moving, at least they are moving in some direction, but I still have those hard days.
And my all-time fantasy bf Rhysand, from A Court of Mist & Fury, always says..
“Don’t let the hard days, win.”
It’s such a sad notion though… because I’ve found it’s so much easier just to let them win. Let them win, and sulk, and feel worse and eventually sleep until morning comes and pray your mood is different.
But this is not right.
Fight for the good days, and truly it is only then that you enjoy them fully. Fight for your dreams and goals.
In those last few weeks, I felt most guilty for not editing my book and for not posting on here. I enjoy those two things more than anything else in this world, and it did take all that anxiety to make me realize how badly I want to be writing for the rest of my life.
Thank you to those who have been kind to me on this blog.
I cannot wait to connect with you all some more, read all your amazing posts, and continue to write about my road/journey to being an author and all the fun things in between.
Even if one person is reading this blog, if anyone is ever feeling not themselves, or down, or whatever it is you want to call it that makes us feel so poorly… please know, you are not alone!
I hope you are having a wonderful Sunday, filled with laziness, in-captivating reads, and all the self-care!!!